So... it's 2:42 am. I've finished cleaning the apartment. I'm totally packed. Prepared to pay a fortune for an oversized bag and a box that I was not expecting to have to bring home (planning ahead is apparently not one of my strengths). Sitting on the couch wondering what comes next.
Deep down, I know I'm tired. I mean, it's 2:42 in the morning. But I can't bring myself to go to bed. If I go to bed, it's over. I wake up in the morning, make a mad dash to the post-office, and then the airport, and then suddenly... back to Philadelphia.
I don't know what it is about me and places.
I took an urban studies research class in high school where we studied "sense of place"--the significance people impart to their surroundings. In other words, why live here instead of there? Where does "local pride" come from? What does local even mean? The premise of the class was that place is a completely abstract concept. Despite the fact that it's concrete-- you can go someplace. There are buildings and streets, and names etc. A place doesn't exist outside of what people make of it.
I feel very strongly about place, particularly about place and happiness. If you don't "fit" in the place where you are (if your sense of self is at odds with your location's sense of place), then it will be very difficult to be happy. Not impossible, I don't think, but difficult.
The trick is to define (or re-define) your location in terms that mesh with your sense of self.
Part of my problem with Philadelphia, I think, is that the city's sense of place doesn't fit my own personality. I like it there. It's a nice place to be. Penn is a good school. But... it always feels like something's missing. It's always a struggle to have to return.
Of course, returning to Philadelphia throws into question this particular endeavor. After all, the California Project was only valid while I remained in California. What now?
I can't abandon my quest for happiness. Especially now that I'm going someplace where I face even more adversity. But, I do need time for evaluation and reflection.
How have I do so far? What needs to change? Where have I failed, and where did I succeed?
Of course, if anyone is out there reading this... Would you start again with me once school starts? A sort of happiness renaissance, if you will?
What do you want to know?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Complainasaurous
I am a Complainasaurous. It is, according to Adam, a new species of dinosaur recently discovered on the North American continent.
Really, I just let the little things get me down. I dwell. I hold grudges. I get pissed about things, and then I look for excuses for my bad mood-- and then that just prolongs it. This weekend, my computer broke. I went out a bought a new one. I am lucky enough that this was not a huge problem, but a mild inconvenience. Still, every time I feel myself being bothered, I think, "my computer broke. My phone broke (it did. I have to go back to the Apple store today). I have so many reasons to be in a bad mood."
I googled "How to improve your mood" and it came up with 21 suggestions (some of which seem VERY silly). I found 5 that I'm going to try:
1. Be curious. People who are interested in people and other things are more likely to be happy.
2. Don't dwell on the past. My friend has a motto "forgive yourself, move on." It's better to focus on improving the future than moping over what you should have done. I need to find better coping strategies for so many of my problems, rather than sink down into sadness for what I don't handle well.
3. Act the Part. Apparently, if you pretend to be happy, you'll be happy.
4. Breathe deeply. People who suffer from depression often are shallow breathers.
5. Don't eat junk food. The spike of sugar improves your mood, but once your blood sugar drops, you get really depressed.
Really, I do not have good reasons for being upset. Making excuses doesn't do anybody any good. I know that. I also know that the reason I am falling into a perpetual bad mood is because I am going back. I leave California tomorrow. But, that doesn't mean that I have to give up everything that California means. I can take so much of this with me. I keep telling myself that, at least.
Really, I just let the little things get me down. I dwell. I hold grudges. I get pissed about things, and then I look for excuses for my bad mood-- and then that just prolongs it. This weekend, my computer broke. I went out a bought a new one. I am lucky enough that this was not a huge problem, but a mild inconvenience. Still, every time I feel myself being bothered, I think, "my computer broke. My phone broke (it did. I have to go back to the Apple store today). I have so many reasons to be in a bad mood."
I googled "How to improve your mood" and it came up with 21 suggestions (some of which seem VERY silly). I found 5 that I'm going to try:
1. Be curious. People who are interested in people and other things are more likely to be happy.
2. Don't dwell on the past. My friend has a motto "forgive yourself, move on." It's better to focus on improving the future than moping over what you should have done. I need to find better coping strategies for so many of my problems, rather than sink down into sadness for what I don't handle well.
3. Act the Part. Apparently, if you pretend to be happy, you'll be happy.
4. Breathe deeply. People who suffer from depression often are shallow breathers.
5. Don't eat junk food. The spike of sugar improves your mood, but once your blood sugar drops, you get really depressed.
Really, I do not have good reasons for being upset. Making excuses doesn't do anybody any good. I know that. I also know that the reason I am falling into a perpetual bad mood is because I am going back. I leave California tomorrow. But, that doesn't mean that I have to give up everything that California means. I can take so much of this with me. I keep telling myself that, at least.
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