Tuesday: Energy

It's only Tuesday and I'm already exhausted. I want to say that I don't know why-- because technically I shouldn't be exhausted... Technically I got about 8 hours of sleep last night; I spent today working from home, in which I spent two hours watching It Could Happen to You in between writing coverages; technically, all I've been doing are relaxing things. So why am I exhausted?

I think it's because I'm exhausting myself. Last week I didn't write at all, and it was one of the best weeks I've ever had in my entire life. I was in the office being helpful, brainstorming, thinking... I felt like I was on fire. I had energy. Now-- I feel like I can only think about my failure from last week. How I'm going nowhere with this screenplay I'm writing. How the pressure's piling up. How I have coverages to write.

And then, I'm not doing them. I write these resolutions, and I DON'T DO THEM. I don't know why. It's the not doing that's exhausting. The constant stress of feeling like I'm failing myself. I'm realizing that this is status quo for me. This constant feeling of being overwhelmed by things I don't want to do, by things I feel incapable of doing... This constant feeling of inadequacy, is what I have been struggling under for most of my life. And, what a surprise-- I went to a high powered private school on the track to an Ivy League college. My parents spent a great deal of money on me and it was always clear that I was an investment.

I am an investment. It's such a fucking insane idea to live up to.

In order to pull my life back on track, write my screenplay (or at least the outline), and find happiness--I need to stop thinking of myself as a commodity. I need to chill out and stop being so hard on myself. Oh, and I need to stop writing angry blogs.