Just for the record, I swear that as soon as I finish writing this, I am going to Starbucks, getting a GIANT chai tea, and writing at least three more pages of Mr. Mao. I'm saying it upfront so the entire world knows it and I can't back out.
The past 24 hours with me would be a psychologist's dream. Actually, just this morning provides an adequate example--
I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up early, probably because of the weird dreams. Unable to concentrate at home, I walked to Starbucks. When I found out that I wasn't going into work today, I walked back home. Then, decided to go shopping. I got my hair cut at a completely random place, a walk-in, where I confessed all my problems to the hairdresser (if you don't know me, that is very unusual). I also bought a second pair or earings to wear in the double piercings that I never wear. I contemplated re-piercing my nose, but decided against it. I'm sitting here re-reading the description of my day, eyebrows raised, wondering if I sound as crazy as I think I do.
Really, this is all coming from some weird insecurity that I'm not "cool" enough. I know it, but I'm not strong enough to fight against it.
I'm doing stupid ineffective things like getting my hair cut and buying earings to try and answer the question: Am I the kind of person who throws their plans out the window?
I used to be. That's why I was contemplating the nose piercing. Freshman year of college I decided to get my nose pierced-- that was the weekend I'd decided to cut class and convinced Adam and Monica to go to DC. I just walked into a place and did it. Of course, things like that don't work out with me. It got infected and one thing led to another... Even so, I wonder if I'd still have it today.
Okay, let's be honest. Here's what I'm actually trying to ask: How are we supposed to make happiness-based decisions? I wrote a week ago that there is no future, but I'm realizing now that that's not entirely true. Even if the future is an abstract concept, eventually it becomes the present, and in the present we have to face decisions we made in the past. Duh. But how are we supposed to know what's going to make us the happiest?
I'm facing a decision that's so obvious it seems stupid I'm conflicted about it (with the exception that I might not graduate from college). There's every reason to go one way, except-- how much do I care about my relationship? How in love am I, and am I about to ruin that, again? These days, they tell girls that careers should come first; that we should never compromise "who we are" for someone else. But what if that other person has become a part of who we are? What do we do then?
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