Since it's Friday, I have the luxury of looking back at this past week and ruminating on all of the successes and failures--and gearing up to be a much, much, much better person next week.
The biggest successes of this week haven't been about changing the way I live. Let's face it, for the most part, I live the way I do because that's what I have the time and the energy for. When I started this I had all sorts of projects in mind--exercising every day, going to bed earlier, stop watching so much TV, start cooking... As soon as I got started, I realized it wasn't possible. I never even got on the treadmill this week--but I have spent, on average, two and a half hours stuck in traffic every single day. I haven't gone to bed earlier, instead I've watched two season of Sex and the City. But, here's the thing: if I'm not changing my actions, what am I changing?
Easy. I'm changing the way I think, and that's a lot harder than it sounds. I'm what they call a "Negative Nancy." I tend to see the downside to everything. I get upset about something and suddenly everything spirals out of control and everything seems horrible and I have trouble controlling my emotions. Some days, I wake up in the morning and just feel yucky--and it ruins the entire day. I decided if I ever want to be happy, (and if I ever wanted to change the way I acted) I needed to change the way I thought and perceived the world. Otherwise, I would never have the energy, or "see the point" of acting differently. I determined to tackle the morning first, since it seems to have the biggest effect.
I have a tremendously long morning routine. It takes me about twenty minutes of face-washing and lotion to even be ready to put on make-up--I'm not slow, or even picky about the way I look, I just have very sensitive skin. The first week I was in California, the combination of make-up (which I started wearing for the internship) and the sun made my face explode into unhappy redness and peeling. So, it's a twenty-minute routine. Every morning. And, every night. So, I decided that while I was applying "cleanser" and "rescue solution" (it's really called that) to my face, I would face my day as well. What am I excited for today? I ask myself. The first day, it was nearly impossible. It was a strange revelation: well, no wonder I'm not happy during the day, if I feel like there's nothing to be excited about. I forced myself to come up with three things. The next day it got easier. And today it was easier still. At the end of the day, as I "take off the day" and brush my teeth, I ask myself, what am I grateful for? Oddly enough, the three things I'm most grateful for happening that day, are almost never the same three things I was most excited about in the morning.
Simply re-framing my day--even the most horrible, terrible day--in terms of what I was grateful for, helps me relax and get perspective on everything that has happened. It balances the day out. I've learned that people have a "negativity bias"--we stack up all the negative things that happen and get stuck only being able to see or remember negative things. (Conversely, if we are happy, we will tend to see happy things and remember happier things). By forcing myself to remember the good things that happened, I'm punching holes in my negativity bias. Just being able to name a couple good things that happened helps me remember the entire day as being more successful.
Re-framing works in almost every situation--it's just about seeing the good instead of seeing the bad, and unfortunately it doesn't come naturally. Stuck in traffic? It gives me more time to plan my next blog post. Or my screenplay. Or call my grandmother, since I didn't have time to call her back last night. I have to go into work on Friday when I know the other intern doesn't? If I didn't go into work all I would do is sit at home by myself all day. Let's face it--I would rather be at work. Or, the biggest, most difficult piece of re-framing I've had to do yet (and it took my two days) I'm in trouble because I wrote about work in my blog and people get fired over things like that? (Panic, panic, panic) Thank God, I have an understanding boss and I found out about things like this now, as an intern, before I got into the "real world" and made some very serious unintentional mistakes! (In case you didn't get it, that's my apology for not writing the past few days.)
Anyways, Friday is about "having fun." I don't know how good I am at that--especially when I eat all my meals alone. But, tonight I took a pit-stop at Trader Joe's on the way home from restocking my house-sitting house with groceries and bought myself a pizza, a molten chocolate cake, and a tiny bottle of California white wine. I haven't decided what movie to watch yet, but I'm feeling very Sex and the City.
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